


Calvin's Quest: An Unorthodox Origin Story

by MinorSmile09



Category: Calvin & Hobbes, Danny Phantom, EGS | Ember's Ghost Squad (Web Series)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aged-Up Character(s), Blood, Blood and Gore, Canadian Blowjob Day, Canon Trans Character, Car Accidents, Character Death, Consensual Underage Sex, Creation, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Fetish, Impending sex, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Oxymorons, Past Abortion, Ranger's Apprentice Discord and Reddit Secret Santa 2018, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rimming, Sex, There's No Rape Here I Promise, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Underage Sex, shitpost, wholesome keanu chungus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:13:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25971157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinorSmile09/pseuds/MinorSmile09
Summary: Calvin goes on a quest.It is his destiny.
Relationships: calvin/ghost girl, calvin/several mental disabilities
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

“Hobbes, I want pussy!” Calvin blurted loudly to Hobbes.

**This was one way to start his day.**

“I… thought you hated girls?” Hobbes asked.

“Yeah! But if they’re dead, maybe their brains will be too! I don’t want them to be smart enough to get angry at me!” Calvin yelled disturbingly.

Hobbes put down his book. He had no idea how to respond to this.

“Calvin… what have I told you about sexism? Where did you even learn the word, erm… ‘pussy’ from, for goodness’ sake?” Hobbes asked, trying his hardest to be polite.

“I’m too young for sex! I just want pussy!” Calvin replied.

**Hobbes knew that Calvin was in for it. Calvin had just turned twelve and he demanded pussy.**

“Well, as long as I don’t disappear into the void because you’re horny now or something along those lines, I can’t really stop you. Though I should inform you that this goes against all morals and especially consent laws.” Hobbes pointed out.

“Look tigga, I don’t care about any of that! You’re a real one, Hobbes! You know the struggles of my inner mind!” Calvin protested.

“You’re using that T-Word Pass I gave you to its fullest, eh?” Hobbes pondered out loud.

“You bet! And I’m gonna become a man now, with my afterlife-transmogrifier! All I have to do is put dead bodies into the machine, and they become my undead wives!” Calvin explained, pointing towards a box with weird stuff written on it. 

Hobbes didn’t like this idea.

“Where… will you get dead bodies from?” Hobbes asked.

Calvin stopped and thunk.

“Let’s go exploring!”

  
  


**_Later that day… on the freeway._ **

  
  


Calvin and Hobbes entered the scene. Calvin was wearing a safari outfit for the extra coolness points!

“There’s lots of teenagers on this road! Perfect time for some natural selection!” Calvin yelled.

“That phrase has a lot of tragic connections. But so does this entire idea…” Hobbes realized.

“Connection, selection, potato, tornado, who cares! I want ghost pussy! And we’re not going to get any until a dead body is…”

  
  


**_SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-CRASH_ **

  
  


**Hobbes stared in shock.**

**Calvin stared in glee.**

“Yay! I win that bet!” Calvin shouted happily.

Blood could be seen rushing from a car door as a some guy had gotten into a crash.

“Wait… that’s a guy! How can you make a guy into a girl with the afterlife transmogrifier?” Hobbes scratched his head.

Calvin crossed his arms.

“Hobbes, you’re always the liberal type! Why are you just now questioning my sexuality?” Calvin got a bit defensive, though he was right.

“Well, feminine boys do have a pretty good reputation for being racist. You wouldn’t want him-er, her… THEM finding out your dad’s ancestry, would you?” Hobbes asked.

“Well… I’ll hide the generational paper things, I suppose. Though if you’re transgender, you have a significantly less chance of being racist!” Calvin correctly pointed out.

“I can’t argue with a statement so profound.” Hobbes flat-out lied.

“Anyway, let’s get that body out of there. It’s giving me the willies.” Hobbes suggested.

“Good idea! I brought a crowbar just in case the car door won’t come off! Man, that blood’s really flowing fast, huh?” Calvin noticed.

**Hobbes did not like this one bit.**

“Um… Calvin, it looks like he’s still alive.

“Aww rats, it really is a he! I thought you were just messing around.” Calvin pouted.

“Help… me…”

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Hobbes commented as he looked at the pool of blood while Calvin opened the door.

“Well, what do we do now? He’s not dead yet!” Calvin shouted.

“I dunno, honestly. I’m starting to hear sirens though, we should probably get a move on.” Hobbes advised.

“Hobbes, do you think our combined strength is enough to carry this guy through a riverbank?” Calvin asked.

Hobbes sighed.

“Fine, you try and get his legs at least. That’s the less heavy part, I think.”

“Please… call 9-1-1…” The guy begged.

“You know, even if we did call for an ambulance, you’d still probably bleed out, right? There’s not even really much we can do here to help you.” Hobbes let the guy know while starting to drag the guy by his upper body. Calvin quickly picked him up by the legs and helped Hobbes carry him.

“Come on, grip his legs properly!” Hobbes yelled as Calvin started to stumble and the two tried carrying the guy down a steep riverbank.

“Why… are you talking to that stuffed tiger?” The guy asked.

“Oh, shut up! You don’t know me!” Calvin scolded.

“Why do people always think I’m not real? That’s really getting on my nerves now…” Hobbes mused.

Calvin and Hobbes both stumbled a bit.

“He’s covered in blood, it’s slippery!” Calvin exclaimed.

A few seconds later, the guy slipped out of their hands and fell down the riverbank, hitting a bunch of stuff on the way down.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST GRAB HIS PANT LEGS!?” Hobbes shouted.

“His pants were covered in blood too, genius! What did you want me to do, bring a towel?!” Calvin yelled back.

**The guy laid dead at the bottom of a riverbank.**

Hobbes and Calvin looked at the dead man with a bit of a somber tone.

“Well. I guess he was just… y’know, destined.” Calvin pondered.

“...for what?” Hobbes asked.

“To get maimed and bleed out, I guess. Now let’s go exploring!” Calvin answered happily.

“...we just did.” Hobbes commented.

“Oh, quit it. Help me get this body inside.” Calvin replied, quickly sliding down the rocky hill.

“You know we have to get the body back UP the next hill, right?” Hobbes questioned.

**This pissed Calvin off.**

“Seriously!? Man, we’ve carried this guy enough already! I’m only twelve years old, my physique is a bit limited at the moment!” The angry preteen Calvin shouted.

“...I’m aware.” Hobbes confirmed.

“Ohh, whatever, fuzzface. As long as you’re here to help out.”

“Can I carry the legs this time? I hear walking backwards up a hill is easier.” Hobbes pranked.

_“IT IS_ **_NOT!_ ** _”_ Calvin protested.

“Sure it is! You’ve never done it, have you?” Hobbes continued to prank.

And like that, Calvin and Hobbes somehow managed to get the guy in their house… within twenty or thirty minutes and a lot of blood.

Calvin dragged both himself and the body to the door while Hobbes helped. Calvin jiggled the doorknob.

“Hobbes?” Calvin panted.

“...it’s locked.” Hobbes pointed out, rattling the doorknob more.

“I… **_KNOW THAT_ **, Hobbes…” Calvin fumed.

“Ah. Well then, how do we do this? Do we just drag him through the garage?” Hobbes asked.

“ **_Yes.”_ ** Calvin kept his cool.

Hobbes sighed and grabbed the guy’s legs again. Calvin grabbed his head and the two walked into the garage.

“Say, won’t your mom be really upset if she finds out we dragged a dead body through the house?” Hobbes asked.

“Kind of a rhetorical question, I’d assume. Heck, he’s even getting blood on the floor.” Calvin replied.

Hobbes slid the corpse’s torso into the house, then Calvin got the legs in.

“Wait a minute.” Hobbes pondered.

“Oh lord, what now??” Calvin grumbled.

“...isn’t your room upstairs?”

Calvin facepalmed.

  
  


**_A few minutes later…_ **

  
  


Calvin wheezed and panted as the dead body was finally in his room.

“Man, I needed about four winds for that!” Calvin groaned.

“I’m surprised your legs didn’t give out when we were going up that hill.” Hobbes commented.

“Alright then, let’s make sure the settings are all correct.” Calvin remembered as he pushed the body into the box.

“Hey, wait, what’s this setting? It’s a knob that says ‘dick’ with ‘yes’ and ‘no’ written to its left and right.” Hobbes read.

“Ohh, that’s an upgrade I built using a button I got from a run-down washing machine down by the dumpster… and superglue!” Calvin explained happily.

“Is there a way to control the size? I’d assume that’s important for, er… are you bisexual? I don’t want to assume.” Hobbes questioned.

“Well, I’d assume it just defaults to five or six inches since I haven’t added that yet.” Calvin replied.

“Ah, I see. Are you actually bisexual though? I’m leaning towards ‘yes’ because that’s also where the ‘dick’ setting is turned towards.” Hobbes asked again.

Calvin left the switch on ‘yes’ and decided to swing the gay way. He wanted pussy, he didn’t care if there was also a dick involved.

Calvin flipped the switch and like that, his dream trans ghost girl waifu popped out. She was without description physically since that’s for the next chapter. How does this story end? We’ll soon find out… 

NEXT TIME ON CALVIN BALL Z!

  
  


_anime outro plays_


	2. Scientific Progress Goes 'Slurp'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tale of sexual escapades, waifus, and post-abortionism... yay!

Alex Gebhart jumped out of the box happily.

“Hey, I’m back! I remember hitting my head really hard, then… ohh, you!” Alex pointed at Calvin. “You’re the guy who pulled me out of that car!”

“Yes, yes, it’s me, no need to worship me. But you CAN suck my dick!” Calvin shouted, doing the ‘suck it’ hand signals.

“Something tells me the anti-shippers wouldn’t approve of this.” Hobbes mumbled.

“Wait… you want me to give you a… blowjob?” Alex asked, looking disgusted.

“I  **saved** your  **life!** I’m not asking for the world here, I just want my phallus to get covered in ghost saliva! What’s it take!?” Calvin shouted.

“I… alright, I guess I do owe you one.” Alex kneeled down, unzipping Calvin’s pants.

“Actually, if you grab that thing of Vaseline over there, you can give me a handjob first to get used to this! Y’know, to give you experience with handling my cock!” Calvin encouraged.

“Hobbes, this is where the fun begins.” Calvin definitely-didn’t-quote-Anakin-Skywalker.

Alex pulled Calvin’s five-inch cock out of his pants.

“Um… if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you, anyway?” Alex asked.

“Twelve years old! Ain’t that right, Hobbes?!” Calvin nudged his best friend with his elbow.

“Um… that tiger is stuffed… anyway though, actually, I was doing a science project on how to get a guy off as quick as possible.” Alex politely asked  **(and dodged the answer.)**

“...that is a strange science project. Though it is arguably less strange than whoever figured out how to milk cows” Hobbes commented.

Calvin handed her a bottle of Vaseline and Alex immediately rubbed it all over her hands. She then grabbed Calvin’s cock and started stroking it.

“Ohhhh man, that feels too good…” Calvin moaned.

Alex put Vaseline on her other hand and made hand motions on Calvin’s dick, lubing it up like crazy.

“Ooohhhhh, man! That feels way better when someone else does it!

Hobbes decided to slowly walk out of the room. This was getting too weird for him.

“O-OOOOHHHWWWWAAAHHHH!!” Calvin could be heard yelling as Alex stuck one of her lubed up fingers in his ass.

“Science is cool, huh?! You can orgasm from butt stuff! Hobbes heard Alex comment.

“He’ll probably turn into a femboy within the week. I’m going to bed…” Hobbes said groggily, getting ready to sleep on the couch. The tiger curled up into a little ball, going to sleep quickly. But meanwhile, Calvin’s shenanigans could never end, could they?

They-they didn’t. Not even close to ending, actually, couldn’t be further off, like, holy shit.

Within a few hours it was nighttime. Hobbes was still sound asleep, but he heard light knocking at the window.

“What in the- …?!” Hobbes yelled as he noticed Calvin outside, covered in blood and holding a weird, red-stained bag.

Hobbes quickly opened the window. Calvin quickly hopped through and started breathing heavily.

**This was one way to start his night.**

Hobbes took a couple sniffs and covered his nose, almost vomiting.

“ **What…** is that **smell??** ” Hobbes asked.

“You don’t want to know. I got the parts for another couple of ghost girls, let’s just say that.” Calvin replied.

**Hobbes noticed that the bag had the Planned Parenthood logo on it. This gave Hobbes… more than mild concern.**

“Please tell me you’re not using chopped up babies to make transgender,  ***ahem* ghost waifus** with…” Hobbes questioned nervously.

“Hobbes, these babies were victims of a terrible society which killed them before they could even live! I’m giving them new life! And besides, only  **some** of them will be transgender…” Calvin ranted.

“... By making them your sexual captives?” Hobbes asked.

“What?! No! That’s disgusting! They do this of their own volition!” Calvin defended.

“Oh, okay. That makes this… slightly better.” Hobbes scratched his head a bit.

Calvin looked at the bag of disembodied babies for a second.

“You think that we could use animal bodies?” Calvin asked.

“WHAT!?” Hobbes shouted.

“Oh, don’t get all offended, it’s a genuine question! Could the body of an animal get transmogrified too??” Calvin persisted.

Hobbes stopped to think. “Honestly… I don’t know. We have to get these babies in there first though. From the size of the bag we probably have enough for…”

Hobbes looked in the bag and about barfed right there. “Um…  ***gulp*** three…and a half of them? I really can’t tell here, they’re just assorted body parts.”

“Awesome! Let’s go!” Calvin yelled. The two ran upstairs, dragging the bag along with them.

“Alright, let’s toss ‘em in!” Calvin exclaimed, dumping the bag into the box and setting the ‘dick’ button to ‘no’.

The box whirred… _ somehow,  _ and out popped a new ghost waifu!

Calvin stared in shock. Hobbes stared in desensitized curiosity.

“My… name is Mackenzie. Who are you?.” The new ghost ( honestly they’re really not ghosts, they’re just weird supernatural immortal beings because of Calvin’s machine…er, box ) girl asked a bit freakishly.

“That’s not right. I thought more than one would come out. I threw a bunch of aborted babies in there.” Calvin sounded confused.

“Oh, I wonder if those helped me become complete again? My disembodied fingers were hidden in there by the guy who raped and killed me! He slit my wrists and throat with a big hunting knife and gashed a big diagonal angle in my face with it, and used a multi tool to cut them all off, one by one. It, um… hurt.  **A lot.** ” Mackenzie emphasized.

Calvin and Hobbes looked at each other with  _ “I think we fucked up” _ looks on their faces.

“Well, hold on now, shouldn’t more than one of them have come out from all that?” Hobbes asked, scratching his head.

“I dunno, Hobbes. Maybe the machine can only make one at a time…” Calvin replied.

“Um, who are you talking to?” Mackenzie asked, looking puzzled.

“My pet tiger, Hobbes! He’s handsome, isn’t he?” Calvin said with a proud look on his face, leaning his arm against his friend.

“Um… he’s stuffed.” Mackenzie explained.

Calvin suddenly had an idea about how to get sexual favors from this new ghost girl. ‘Twas a brilliant idea.

“Hey! Don’t use the word ‘stuffed’ around him! He’s an endangered species!!” Calvin yelled.

“Oh—god, I didn’t mean to make you upset! I just meant he wasn’t real!” Mackenzie apologized.

“See Hobbes? Watch and learn!” Calvin whispered.

“What!!? He’s my best friend!! How could you say that about him??” Calvin pretend-cried.

“Lying for sex isn’t ethical, Calvin…” Hobbes tried to convince.

“What!? You want her to WHAT?? Well… I guess I can ask her to suck my dick…” Calvin shouted and then sniffled a bit.

“Wait, please, I said I’m… — Wait, what was that??” Mackenzie paused for a second before asking.

“Hobbes wants you to suck my dick!” Calvin pointed at his crotch.

“I…  _ what???” _ Mackenzie shouted.

“I saved your life and he feels insulted! It’s a win-win, it’ll make everyone here feel better!” Calvin coerced.

“Well…” Mackenzie thought. “... alright. I’ll suck your dick!” She answered.

Calvin could hear “hallelujah” playing in his head while Mackenzie unzipped his pants and pulled them down. Hobbes couldn’t help but be impressed.

  
  


**_S P E E C H: 1 0 0_ **

  
  


Mackenzie put her face next to Calvin's cock out and sniffed it a bit.

“Mmmm… It smells like cherry pie.” Mackenzie complimented.

“Thanks! I used my mom’s scent freshener on it! I also have mango and pineapple if you want.” Calvin thanked.

Mackenzie wrapped her lips around Calvin’s dick, instantly getting moaning out of him. This woke Alex up, who was sleeping in Calvin’s bed.

“Hey, don’t do that without me! I have to help, for, uh, science!” Alex shouted, gently tossing the sheet off and crawling out while still in her bra and underwear.

The two ghost women didn’t even  _ know each other. _ They were just drawn together by some strange, autistic, cosmic force.

Alex gently caressed Calvin’s balls and began to suck one of them.

“Oooohhh yeah…” Calvin sighed.

“Go a bit lower, I hear guys like that.” Mackenzie suggested.

“Yeah! FOR SCIENCE!!” Alex shouted proudly, wrapping her tongue around the bottom of Calvin’s balls.

The pleasure was immense. Calvin felt like such a fucking Chad doing this. It was his lifelong dream! He didn’t need Susie, he had real life waifus surrounding him!

“Man, I need to make more of you guys… it’d be like the rules of the Quran, but with ghosts…” Calvin moaned.

“So… Satanism?” Hobbes asked.

Calvin ignored Hobbes. He was too busy drowning in the dick-sucking goodness.

“I’m not a slut, I promise!... it’s not vaginal sex, so…” Mackenzie tried to comfort herself out loud.

“No, no! Try going  _ lower!” _ Mackenzie suggested to Alex, and immediately proved herself wrong.

“Ohhh, like, rimming? Um…” Alex gulped. “...I  _ guess  _ I can do that…”

“Scientific progress goes ‘slurp’!” Calvin exclaimed as Alex started to rim him and lick around his asshole.

“I’m out of here.” Hobbes finally had e-fucking-nough.

Mackenzie continued to suck Calvin’s cock. Hobbes went back downstairs and went to bed. He’d wake up in the morning with far more disturbing realizations… 

_ To be continued. _

**_("I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life." - Hobbes.)_ **


End file.
